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tsjillie http://forum.vlekkem.org/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=142 |
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Author: | trante [ Mon May 10, 2004 2:30 pm ] |
Post subject: | tsjillie |
> Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the l.ast moment and I > happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to > the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other > two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and > besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I > accepted. > > Here are the scorecards from the event: > > Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili > Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. > Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild > Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy @#%$, what the hell is this stuff? You could > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the > flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > > Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili > Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken > seriously. > > >Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure > what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people > who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more > beer when they saw the look on my face. > > Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. > Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels > like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get > me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my > backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting @#%$-faced from > all of the beer. > > Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or > other mild foods, not much of a chili. > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable > to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, > was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is > starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is > chili an aphrodisiac? > > Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding > considerable kick. Very impressive. > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must > admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I > can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her > chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by > pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my > lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop > screaming. Screw those rednecks. > > > Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of > spices and peppers. > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and > garlic. Superb. > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, > sulfuric flames. I @#%$ myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat > through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that > slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips > anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. > > Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of > chili peppers at the l.ast moment. I should take note that I am worried > about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing > uncontrollably. > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds > like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which > slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like @#%$ to > match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed > me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not > getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through > the 4-inch hole in my stomach. > > Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too > bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor > hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, > fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if > he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really > hot chili. |
Author: | snoiver [ Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:49 am ] |
Post subject: | |
lol |
Author: | tbone [ Mon Oct 24, 2005 11:14 am ] |
Post subject: | |
vriejet |
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